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Step forward if you’re a state. Not so fast, North Dakota.

By   /   July 13, 2011  /   16 Comments

Hey, do all you North Dakota citizens remember how you’ve been voting in federal elections and flying an American flag outside your residence and filling in “United States of America” as your country of origin on online forms? Well, as it turns out, oops.

North Dakota May Not Be a State

Don’t look now, but you might have too many stars on that American flag. It turns out that North Dakota may not have crossed all its T’s and dotted all its I’s in the statehood process, with the result that it might still be a territory. The problem, according to 82-year-old John Rolczynski, is that the state Constitution leaves out key passages about the executive branch that would put it in harmony with the federal Constitution. The flaw has been there since North Dakota was (supposedly) admitted to the Union as a state in 1889. After years of work—he began agitating for a fix in 1995—Rolczynski has convinced state Senator Tim Mathern to introduce a bill that would fix the wording. It will require North Dakota voters to approve the measure.

So that’s how it is, huh, rest of America? We’re out of the country, just like that? Fine. Whatever. We didn’t want to be in your dumb country anyway. You’re just a bunch of jerks with your dumb eagles and stuff. We don’t even like baseball.

Now that we’re officially not a state any more, this leaves us, citizens of The State Formerly Known As North Dakota, with a number of options to choose from. Since I know all three of you are reading this, we will now put it to a vote. Here are our options.

Option 1: Become Our Own Country – As it stands, we have everything we could possibly need to be our own superpower of a country. We’ve got nuclear missiles, wheat, clean water, and the means for reproduction as a people. So what’s stopping us from forming our own nation? All we need is someone to write us a song for our anthem, pick out a pattern for the flag and we can get down to the business of letting Canada know who’s boss.

Option 2: Rejoin the Lakota Nation – So yeah. Sorry about about all that business with the smallpox blankets and the trails of tears and the whole naming our university sports teams after you. Friends?

Option 3: South Saskatchewan – What do you think? Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Now, just practice adding “Eh” to the end of all your sentences and develop a taste for maple syrup and we should be good to go. Also, hockey and toques. Learn to love em.

Option 4: Just Pretend We’re South Dakota - Shh. If this one’s going to work, we’ll need everyone to just play along. If anyone drives through and asks which state this is, just say, “It’s South Dakota. No, really!” Chances are nobody’ll be able to tell the difference, but just in case, maybe somebody should go carve some Presidents into a hill or something. Not Taft. Don’t do Taft.

Option 5: Everybody’s On Their Own Now – This one will appeal to all you Libertarians. Now that we’ve found out we’re a lawless, governmentless wasteland, let’s just keep it that way. Everybody take care of themselves and if you find you need anything, go ask your neighbor nicely for it and/or take it from him by force. Cavemen didn’t have laws or order, and they seemed perfectly happy. This will either end splendidly or just really, really badly.

Option 6: Oh, Please, Please Take Us Back – Look, we’re sorry, okay? We didn’t mean to screw up our Constitution. It was a mistake! Can’t we forget any of this ever happened and just go back to how things used to be? Please, don’t leave us out here by ourselves! It’s too cold!

Personally, I know I’m leaning towards the cowardly begging for forgiveness route, but that’s just me. This is still a democracy that we live in (I think), and it’s up to all of us to come to a decision as a group. So what say you, people who are no longer known as North Dakotans? Who’s ready to get this bloody struggle for power started?

Bismarck resident Erik Hagen is the author of the SodBlog and newly declared king of Erikstania. Submit your application for citizenship by email at sodblog@gmail.com or on Facebook at facebook.com/sodblog.

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I came into this world naked, covered in blood and slightly hysterical. Very little has changed since.

16 Comments

  1. Matt Bunk says:

    I know I’m one of the three, so I vote for begging the U.S. for statehood. After all, I like eagles and baseball.

  2. Erik Hagen says:

    I don’t know, I’m starting to warm to this South Saskatchewan idea. I look pretty good in red flannel, and people tell me I can be exceedingly polite at times.

    • Matt Bunk says:

      Problem is I can’t spell Saskatchewan (I also have trouble with “renaissance”) without looking it up.

  3. Maxine says:

    I’m writing our new anthem today. Is it okay if it plays to the tune of “Old McDonald Had a Farm?” We’re an ag state, after all. And my kid’s toy keyboard is a bit limited in tune selections.

    • Erik Hagen says:

      I would welcome Old McDonald, if for no other reason that I’d find it amusing hearing Christina Aguilera trying to sing it before next year’s inaugural Super Dakota Bowl.

  4. Jean says:

    I vote for South Saskatchewan — my conversation is already liberally peppered with “eh?”‘s…..

    • Erik Hagen says:

      Thank you for the correct spelling of that Canadian colloquialism, Jean. I’ve updated my post to reflect it. You’d think I’d have known that already, being my freaking initials and all.

  5. Michael Dickey says:

    My question is – if all you tax payers of North Dakota are no longer a State, does this mean you should get a federal refund of all your taxes paid to the IRS for the past 100 years.

    • Erik Hagen says:

      If we don’t, you better believe I’ll be at the Pier tonight throwing holstein cows into the harbor. No taxation after 100 years of illegal representation!

  6. Dani says:

    I vote for option 1. I’ve advocated for the secession of North Dakota for years. Now it looks like I unexpectedly got my way. We also have our own bank, mill, and elevator. We’re all set! I suggest we form an alliance with Manitoba and Saskatchewan. Can we please drop the “North” though, and be just “Dakota?”

    • Erik Hagen says:

      Why limit ourselves? I’m putting my vote in for renaming ourselves The Great and All High Republic of Dakota. Or Dakotalatvaria.

  7. Michael Dickey says:

    I’m almost finished packing for my move to The Great and All High Republic of Dakota. Never seen a cow up close, let alone throw one off a Pier.

    • Erik Hagen says:

      Then today will be a good day for you, my friend. All hail to the Glorious Nation of Dakotalatvarian Republic!

  8. Chris VandeVenter says:

    It’s OK. I was born in Texas. Unfortunately, I don’t have a Dakotalatvarian green card so don’t tell anyone…

  9. Indie says:

    Tough choices…….Why would anybody who pays taxes, lives under the burden of US law? What over used and under appreciated troops would want to stay a part of the US and why would anybody want North Dakota’s party of choice run the new country?

    Canada is an option since the are more economically free and have a strong economy, but they have other faults in their politics.

    I have to laugh at the biased stealing remark in option 5…..an income tax is nationalized part ownership of one’s labor, is he serious that “help” under the current system doesn’t come from a form of theft?

    • Erik Hagen says:

      You’re honestly confused as to whether I’m serious about something in a post where I advocated either forming a new nation named Dakotalatveria or everyone just pretending that we’re South Dakota? If so, I’m sorry to inform you I will be unable to assist you. Unable or unwilling. Definitely one of those two.

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