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Ways to drive if you want me to hate you

Written by: Erik Hagen

It did my heart good to see the newest letter to the editor this month in the Great Plains Examiner. Have you seen it yet? Read it here. I like it. I like it because, one, it speaks to me in the language I know best: dripping sarcasm. (Yes! Finally, someone else who hates things as much as I hate things!), and two, it’s clever and amusing and makes a good point and, unlike most of the letters to the editor published by the other newspaper of record in the Bismarck-Mandan area, I didn’t want to see just how much damage my skull could cause my desktop after reading it. Which is to say, I enjoyed it a great deal.

But unfortunately, the letter did leave me just a tad unsatisfied in that, while it does correctly note that hardly anybody in this town, for whatever reason, seems to know how to operate the turn signals in their automobile, there are so many other terrible, rotten, no-good, very bad things that they do with their cars beyond just that. So, helpful citizen that I am, here is a list of all the other things you people are doing while you’re driving that make me scream loudly at you in a deranged and most likely hilarious manner.

Turn Signals. Yes, it is infuriating when another driver decides to use their God-given right to not inform you which direction they intend to move their car in. But neglect of the turn signal is but one way to incorrectly use them. There is also the action of only just turning on your turn signal while you are already in the act of turning. Because I can already see that you’re turning! I see your car turning in the direction of your wheels! Your signal is no longer of any assistance to me! Turn signals are meant to alert other drivers of your intent to turn in the near future, not the fact that you are turning in the immediate present. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be called signals, but rather, turning confirmations. Which they are not.

Bumper Hugging. More commonly known as tailgating, but I like my term better because it has hugging in it. I understand, person that’s driving behind me, that you would very much enjoy going faster that we are currently. I get that. And I am with you. But as it turns out, it is not me who is currently making the decision to go at the rate of a tortoise in cardiac arrest on this single-lane road with no passing allowed, but rather that is the person who is ahead of me and two cars ahead of you choosing to be such a blatant butt plug. He has chosen this rate of speed, so it is terribly unfair that, since you are unable to rest your front bumper on top of his rear bumper to show him your unhappiness, you are instead doing this to me. I am an innocent victim in all this. Please try to put yourself into my shoes for just a moment, before I am forced to leave my car and pummel you mercilessly with my tiny fists.

The Scrape Off. This one even has a fancy title, so named by my Dad, which I am stealing for usage here with the proper accreditation. So what is the “Scrape Off?” The Scrape Off is the action of proceeding very slowly to the nearest traffic light and then, as the light changes to yellow, suddenly bolting through at a speed sufficient enough only for you to get through and not any of the people piled up behind you. Sounds like kind of a prick move, right? You’d think. But most of the time, the Scrape Off is performed not by the malicious, but rather the completely oblivious. I can tell this by the dumb looks on the faces of the people who have performed the Scrape Off on me in the past, as they stupidly putter down the street away from me as I sit at the traffic light they have forced me to sit through. There is no excuse for doing this to anyone unless you happen to be in an episode of Starsky & Hutch, which most people are not. If you’ve ever performed the Scrape Off on another human being, either willingly or not, rest assured that my hatred for you burns with the intensity of a thousand suns. That is not hyperbole. I honestly want you to explode.

The Parade. I’m not, with this entry, trying to demean actual parades, which everyone knows to be fun and enjoyable and a really good way to stock up on candy. Rather, what I am attacking is the driving pattern that resembles a parade. Which is to say, if you ever driving in your car and happen to glance into your rear view mirror, only to see roughly 18 to 20 cars in line behind you, with no cars currently in front of you, you have just created a parade, and it is not the fun kind. And this is not because you are a super careful driver who obeys the speed limit and everyone behind you is a terrible speeder. No. It is because you drive too damn slow, and nobody can get around your worthlessness. Hit the gas pedal, grandpa. Life’s a wastin’.

Those Unwilling to Suffer the Consequences of Their Own Actions. It is an unwritten rule in driving that if you, as a driver, find yourself in a position where you inadvertently are all the way over in the right lane when you happen to notice that you needed to turn left, and the turnoff is suddenly upon you, that as a responsible driver it is now incumbent upon you to swallow the bitter pill of making your way over to the left lanes in a responsible manner and then circling back to your destination, accepting that you have extended your drive a bit because you weren’t paying attention. But for some of you, that is unacceptable and therefore, the only possible action is to immediately veer across several lanes of traffic without looking, putting your own life and those of every driver around at risk so that you can make that left turn right now. And I would be perfectly fine with you putting your own life at risk, because quite frankly, I think we’d all be better off without you. It’s you almost killing me in the process that I don’t much care for. Because I like being alive. It’s you I could do without.

Four-Way Stops. Gyah. What is so hard about this? First person to stop goes first, unless you stop at the same time, in which case the car on the left yields. Not “Every man for himself! Martial law! You’ll never take me alive!”

The Overly Competitive. Generally, passing is an action reserved for those who are genuinely driving faster than the people they are passing. Therefore, if you find that your rate of speed is, in fact, equal to or less than the car in front of you, the better option is to remain where you are, behind them, where you are not giving them any more reasons to be planning your murder than they already have. But some people, for whatever reason, are not truly happy unless their car is in front, so they will speed up just for the amount of time that it takes to get them in front of other cars and then, having safely completed the passing process, will slow down to the speed they had intended to go, irregardless of the speed the car that they just finished passing happens to be going. I guess some people just need to feel like they’re winning, right before they’re horrifically rear ended.

Cell Phones. Unless you happen to have a driving instructor on the line telling you everything that you should be doing right now, hang up your damned phone and operate your car with your entire brain.

White Knights. On the one hand, we should all strive to be better people and to do noble actions. Just not in traffic. Because while coming to a complete stop in traffic to allow the person attempting to cross the street between the lights may make you feel all warm and fuzzy in your tummy, what you are actually doing is making it way more likely that this person will be run over in the street by any of the other fifteen cars driving down the street blissfully unaware of your misguided nobility. Take it from me: Nobility is way overrated. Contain your desire to be a good person and just drive.

There’s probably other ways that you people are annoying me with your cars, but thinking about is filling me with too much rage right now and I still have to drive home later. So maybe I’ll just go pop one of those drugs the doctors gave me for just this kind of a situation and you all can think about what you’ve done. Stop being so terrible all the time, you guys. Can’t you see how highly unstable I am?

Bismarck resident Erik Hagen is the author of the SodBlog and clearly a danger to everyone on the road with his Volkswagen Beetle death machine. Send your pleas for mercy to or visit his website at sodblog.com.

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Comments

  1. Please add to your list: turn into the far lane. If performed during a driving test, you will FAIL (ask my sister), yet everyone in town does this. Here’s the sitch: Two cars both want to turn onto a 2-lane street going the same way; the car across from you cuts in front of you to turn directly into the far lane, forcing you to wait before you can turn. The rule is that you’re supposed to pull into the closest lane and then merge over. The other way this makes me hate you is that you are the one waiting to turn into the far lane, thus holding up (making a parade) all the cars behind you as you wait to make an illegal turn. Several times a week people that do this make me miss a green light. It drives me CRAZY!!!!!

    • I’ll be honest and say that this one I hadn’t noticed all that much before. But now, since reading your comment a few days ago, I can notice nothing but this happening, because you’re right, everybody does it. And it’s making me that much crazier than I was to begin with. So, thanks?

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