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The Dark Knight Lights Up or something

By   /   July 19, 2012  /   No Comments

“Husband,” my wife said to me.

“Yes?” I said to my wife.

“Write a blog post to get your post about my fibroid surgery off of the Examiner’s front page,” said my wife.

“Yes, wife,” I replied.

(NOTE: I don’t actually call my wife “Wife,” nor does she call me “Husband.” She just doesn’t like when I use her name on the Internet, because I guess she’s afraid of you people eating her identity. I don’t blame her. You are a shifty looking lot.)

Anyway, because my wife can’t move all that much with the pain that she’s in, I have no idea what’s happening in the outside world since my last few days of life have basically consisted of me watching the kid and cooking all the meals and cleaning the house and buying groceries and putting the kid to sleep and keeping an occasional eye on the house so it doesn’t catch on fire when I’m not looking.

I assume you’re all still doing things, but I don’t know what any of those things are. I’m sure they’re interesting. I would be paying attention if I could, I assure you.

So what is going on? You know what I’m excited about? Batman. I am excited about Batman because there is a Batman movie opening at midnight tomorrow and I am going to it because I am a nerd and I love Batman. That is what I am thinking about, and I’m guessing what all the rest of you are thinking about too, because I assume you are the same as me, lucky you.

But you know who else is thinking about Batman? Rush Limbaugh. And when I say the word “thinking” in regards to Rush Limbaugh, what I instead mean is “opening his mouth and letting whatever falls out count as an informed opinion.” That is what I mean when I say that Rush Limbaugh is thinking.

Transcript of Rush Limbaugh “thinking” about Batman.

  • “Have you heard, this new movie, the Batman movie — what is it, the Dark Knight Lights Up or something? Whatever the name of it is. That’s right, Dark Knight Rises, Lights Up, same thing. Do you know the name of the villain in this movie? Bane. The villain in the Dark Knight Rises is named Bane. B-A-N-E. What is the name of the venture capital firm that Romney ran, and around which there’s now this make-believe controversy? Bain. The movie has been in the works for a long time, the release date’s been known, summer 2012 for a long time. Do you think that it is accidental, that the name of the really vicious, fire-breathing, four-eyed, whatever-it-is villain in this movie is named Bane? … Anyway, so this evil villain in the new Batman movie is named Bane. And there’s now discussion out there as to whether or not this was purposeful, and whether or not it will influence voters. It’s going to have a lot of people. This movie, the audience is going to be huge, lot of people are going to see the movie. And it’s a lot of brain-dead people, entertainment, the pop-culture crowd. And they’re going to hear ‘Bane’ in the movie, and they are going to associate Bain.”

See, that’s what I love about Rush Limbaugh. He gets paid obscene amounts of money to think out loud to his listeners at home that the new Batman movie is called The Dark Knight Lights Up. Yes, Rush. That is the name of the movie. The Dark Knight Lights Up. Congratulations. Here is your $5 million dollars for that 15 seconds of air time.

Now, hey, you know what else? Let’s assume you just read that thing I posted. Better yet, let’s assume you listened to it on the radio when he stated it originally. If, following all of those words entering into your consciousness, your immediate reaction was, for some reason or another, “Yeah, hey, he’s got a point,” please, just, no. No. I cannot say anything other than that. No. NO. NOOOOOOOO.

Look, sorry, I’m not trying to be snarky with you. We are still good friends, you and I. Come by my house later for a barbecue. Which is why I must now explain to you now why NOOOOOOOOOOO.

Yes, Rush, we all did know when The Dark Knight Rises was opening. It was not a secret. We knew that, I would venture to guess, since back in the year 2008 when The Dark Knight came out and made a brazillion dollars. We all knew back then that there would be a new Batman movie, which is why Christopher Nolan and his brother started writing the new Batman movie at that point in time. You know what we didn’t know back in 2008?

WHO IN THE CRAP WOULD BE THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2012.

Really. In hindsight, maybe we can all believe that we always knew it’d be Mitt Romney, but we didn’t. We thought, hey, maybe Sarah Palin. Or Bobby Jindal. Chris Christie? Did we know who Chris Christie was back then? Whatever, you get the point. Nobody knew for certain that Mitt Romney would be the Republican candidate for President in 2012 and that when The Dark Knight Rises opened with its big, bad lead villain named Bane, it would be the exact same point in time Mitt Romney would be being hammered by the press over his past actions as the head of the venture capital firm Bain Enterprises. Unless all us dirty liberals had time machines or were psychics, which we both do and are.

Forget you read that last part. Jokes! I make jokes! Ha!

While we’re on the subject of dumb people opining on the new Batman movie, here’s another dumb person opining on the new Batman movie. This time, the dumb person is Donald Trump, who is also obscenely rich and unpleasant to look at, largely because he has a really bad head of “hair.” This one has a video! Donald Trump yelling his review of The Dark Knight Rises at a camera! That sounds like it’d be unpleasant to watch!

WARNING: IF YOU CLICK ON THIS MAN'S GIANT HEAD, IT WILL BEGIN YELLING AT YOU, AS IF BY MAGIC

Wow. That was wild, right? What was your favorite part? Mine was when he said “So last night I went to the opening of ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ which is commonly known as ‘the Batman movie.’” Thanks for clarifying that for me, Donald! When you said The Dark Knight Rises, I was all like, “What’s that? Is it a movie about dragons?” Then you said it was better known as the Batman movie, and then I was like, “Oh, OK.” I’m glad Donald Trump is around to explain things to me.

There are probably other people saying stupid things about The Dark Knight Rises that I could write about, but I have to go get in line for tickets to The Dark Knight Trilogy showings at the Grand Theaters, starting at 6:00 with Batman Begins, then The Dark Knight, and then The Dark Knight Rises as midnight. I am going to sit through nine hours of Batman movies because as I mentioned earlier, I am a nerd who long ago stopped caring about what other people think about him.

If I hear anyone else in the theater saying something stupid, I will be sure to add it to this post, because I care. Also, I will give you a review of The Dark Knight Rises, again because I care. Enjoy the Batman movie, everybody, and please, can we stop letting Donald Trump have opinions on things? Because he is terrible at it.

Bismarck resident Erik Hagen is the author of the SodBlog and not entirely certain if nine hours of Batman movies is that great an idea or not. Assure him that of course it is at or visit his website at sodblog.com.

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I came into this world naked, covered in blood and slightly hysterical. Very little has changed since.

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