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Election’s over. Goodbye forever, America!

By   /   November 13, 2012  /   No Comments

Oh, hey, where the heck have I been?

That is a very good question, especially since I just asked it of myself. It turns out that I came down with the plague sometime last week, and only now am I coming down from my drug-induced fugue state. If you are reading this and I did or said anything horrible to you within the last eight days, rest assured that I was unaware of my actions at the time, and would apologize if I had any idea what it was I did. Please be my friend again. I am very lonely.

Anyway, did I miss anything? Did anything happen in the last week? Any kind of national event? Something that you would think a person would have heard about by now? Like a comically big news event that a person could pretend that they hadn’t heard about for comedic effect? Anything like that happen that you can think of?

What? Again?

Oh, hey! Bronco Bamma won the election, huh? Boy, nobody could have seen that happening. I thought he was unpopular with the kids these days. Guess not, because here we all are, still all Obamaish and what not.

And for my part, I have been doing my able best not to get all libtardy about it like I am usually, because I know people find that annoying, and also because I keep having flashbacks to 2004. You remember 2004? The year the incumbent President scored a win against his flip-floppy political opponent from Massachusetts? I remember that, except I remember that not feeling quite as good at the time. In fact, I recall having to leave work early the day after the election, because I was having too hard of a time focusing on working when I was too busy GRIEVING FOR AMERICA. So I know the feeling all too well, and I don’t wish to take pleasure in anyone else experiencing that same feeling this year. So I won’t.

That being said, hey, let’s look at how some people are dealing with the election fallout. If any pointing and laughing comes about as a result, I cannot be held responsible for that.

So do you remember, any of you, a while back when I told you all that North Dakota wasn’t technically a state? That was a good time, and we all had some fun with it. Well, on the election last week, you may have noticed that one of the measures on the ballot actually undid the little technicality in our state constitution. That passed overwhelmingly, so good news! We’re a state now! Hooray! Welcome to the United States, everybody! And now that we’re here, let’s drop back out again, immediately, because we are not at all happy about the President of this new country of ours!

Yes, it’s true, we are leaving the union, or at least we will be once somebody sees this petition that we wrote up and all signed. The state of North Dakota, along with 22 other states, has filled out a petition asking for permission to secede from the United States. Which is rational, right? This is a thing we do when we don’t like how elections go? We quit the country? That’s how democracy works, right? So yeah, no more of this United States crap. Break out all those funny names we came up with for the new/old independent nation of North Dakota, because we are doing that again!

Now surely this is a good plan we all had, quitting the country like we are, and we will all be fine without any of this “one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all” garbage. Things are going to be so much better for us when we are all eating the wildlife again after the U.S. takes back their roads and police stations and nuclear warheads. But on the positive side, since Mitt Romney did win North Dakota’s vote for President, maybe he could be President of our new nation. Somebody should ask him if he wants to do that. I don’t know what else he has to do right now. Seriously, what does that guy do? I’m a low information voter.

So it’s settled then. Here’s the link again, go there and sign the petition so we can gain our freedom from this terrible country. I’m serious. I want you to do it. Go and sign the petition to get us kicked out of America. I dare you to. Double dog dare you, in fact. This is a thing that needs to happen. We are going to be one awesome new country, all of you people and I together.

Bismarck resident Erik Hagen is the author of the SodBlog and may still be a little in a drug-induced fugue state, come to think of it. Send your well wishes to or visit his website at SodBlog.com.

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  • Published: 1 year ago on November 13, 2012
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  • Last Modified: November 13, 2012 @ 4:51 pm
  • Filed Under: SodBlog

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Blogger/Columnist

I came into this world naked, covered in blood and slightly hysterical. Very little has changed since.

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