Welcome to 2013, everybody! That’s right, here we all still are, post-Mayan Apocalypse, and none the worse for wear. It’s a new year, with exciting new possibilities and new chances to finally get things right. But to do that, we’re going to have to shed some dead weight. My apologies to everything and everyone I am about to list, but you had your year, and now it’s time that we said our goodbyes. So long, relics of a long forgotten past. Here’s everything from 2012 that we need to discard to the dustbin of history in order to advance as a civilization.
Gagnam Style - Op op op, oppum never again. We all had our fun, doing the little pony dance and marveling at the unrelenting weirdness of Korean popular music (or K-Pop, which is another thing we are leaving back in 2012). It was a good time, but all good times have to end. So long, Psy. When you see Rico Suave, tell him I’m the only one who still remembers him.
Honey Boo Boo - Answering once and for all the eternal question, is there anything we won’t watch on TV? No. There is not. Because we will watch this, the show with the ADD-riddled, high-fructose corn syrup-dieted Honey Boo Boo and her subtitled hillbilly clan. She even has a catchphrase, because of course she does. “You better redneckognize!” No, child. I will not redneckognize. You are the one who will be redneckognizing.
The Twinkie - Yeah, I’m not happy about this one either. But it is a hard and cold fact that the Twinkie no longer resides amongst us. What are we supposed to get fat from now? Don’t tell me I have to eat fruit? Ugh. I might as well be dead.
Justin Beiber - I will keep saying this one every year until you dumb kids come to your senses. This is the last year he will be tolerated. He has to go. Now. Do not send me your angry emails. You know I speak the truth.
Skinny jeans – Look, kids, it’s probably none of my business if you want to look stupid in your clothing. We wore parachute pants when I was a kid. I have no room from which to speak. The problem I’m having is that now, I can’t purchase a regular pair of pants at JC Penney or Herbergers. What am I supposed to wear now? No item of clothing with the words “skinny” in their title should be sported by someone my age. I am lumpy in very strange places. I don’t want to wear your skinny jeans. Please make them go away.
Bagelheads - Yes, you saw it. Don’t even try to deny it. You have seen the pictures on the Internet of Japan’s hottest new beauty trend – injecting saline into your forehead to create a bagel-shaped perforation. No, I don’t know why. It’s Japan. They do weird things. But that doesn’t mean we have to tolerate it into the new year.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger - Canada’s super couple and the thing we all feared the most ever coming to past. The only thing more terrifying than their music is picturing what their children will look like. Very, very Canadian. I say thee, nay.
Twilight - You’re done now, right? That was the last one? We don’t have any more Twilight movies for my wife to make me go to see? You promise? I’m going to be really mad if there’s more of them that you’re not telling me about.
Fifty Shades of Grey - Let’s squash this one before it even gets started. All I need to know about Fifty Shades of Grey is that it started life as Twilight fan fiction (No, I swear, I am not making that up). Then they took out all the Twilight character names, put in a whole lot of bondage and viola, something new to get the ladies all atwitter. And speaking of…
Twitter - Yes, I realize it might be too late for this, but come on. I don’t need to know what everybody is thinking all of the time. It’s bad enough assuming that everyone in the country has nothing interesting to say without having it confirmed. Also, hashtags. Pleeeeease stop with the hashtags.
Actually, come to think of it, let’s just stop listing things here and admit that honestly, we probably need to just do away with everything and start all over fresh. Let’s start 2013 off right and just reboot all of popular culture. We’re starting over again, everyone. Welcome to the New World. It promises to be an exciting, new, entirely Beiber-free existence we are all about to enjoy. Just remember whose idea it was.
Bismarck resident Erik Hagen is the author of the SodBlog and it was his idea. Erik Hagen’s. Don’t forget that. Send your emails to or visit his website at SodBlog.com.