So it turns out you’ve been eating horse all this time. And you think you know a person.
I kid you, of course. It’s not your fault that you were eating horse. Because no one bothered to tell you beforehand before feeding it to you. And also, because you haven’t been eating horse. Unless you’re European, or if you’ve been eating the meatballs at Ikea (which, by the way, why?). If you’re either of those things, then yes, you’ve been eating horse. And most likely, given a few more weeks, it will be apparent that we have all been eating the horse. So for the sake of this column, let’s just pretend we’re at that point already and that we have all been unwittingly eating the horse, all of the time. Because we probably have.
So what’s the big deal? I don’t mean to be flippant, at least any more than I usually am, but why is everyone so freaked out about eating horse meat? Let’s review all of the current animals that we are currently eating, without scandal. They include:
Cows. There’s no animal we eat more than the noble cow. And with good reason. Cows are delicious. Between the hamburger and the milk, the cow practically exists only for food. Think about it, what other purpose does the cow serve? Let me know when you think of something.
Chickens. For when you’re tired of eating hamburger, there is the chicken. All parts of the chicken are edible, from the thighs to the legs to the wings to the breasts to the nuggets. I think you can even fry the beaks and that red thing on the top of its head.
Fish. For when you don’t want to eat actual meat, there’s fish. Because fish is the one meat you can get away with eating and still be somewhat close to a vegetarian. Also, it’s the only one where eating it raw is considered an acceptable substitute for eating it cooked, because fish is disgusting, except for when it’s in “filet o’” form.
Pigs. Pork. Bacon. Ham. Spare ribs. Canadian bacon. All these meats come from the same animal, some kind of magical animal, Lisa. The pig has given us many gifts as a species, but even if all you could make from a pig was bacon, it’d still be an awesome animal indeed, because bacon is the best.
Buffalo. Buffalo are so damn delicious, we practically ate all of them. Now there’s not enough of them left for us to make them the only animal we eat, so all we really get from them is buffalo burgers, which kind of sucks, but still. We’re sorry about eating so many of you, buffalo. If it helps, we did name the fifth most popular city in New York after you.
So what’s the difference between any of those animals and horse? Why is the horse poison and the rest of the aforementioned animals not-poison? Well, have a look at the pictures above and you should be able to figure this one out for yourself. Horses are cute. Cows are not cute. In fact, cows are pretty freaky looking. So are fish and chickens. We eat all of them because they are ugly, and we abstain from eating horses because they are not. Which sucks for the ugly animals, because that’s kind of an arbitrary reason for us to eat an animal. Shouldn’t we base our animal eating decisions upon which animals taste the best, and not on which ones we find most visually appealing? You would think. But, no.
And that’s why I’m confused, you see, because when you disregard that horses are sleek and attractive animals and cows are fat and dumb looking, what else is different between a horse and a cow? Anything? They both have four legs, hooves, tails they can swat flies with, ears on the top of their heads, eat grass, poop in fields, and both can be ridden, although the cow is kind of a waste of time considering how little it moves. So why are you okay with eating a cow taco but not a horse taco? They’re both meat. Maybe horses even taste better. In fact, I’m pretty sure they’d have to. Just pretend you’re stranded on a desert island with a horse and a cow, for some reason. Which one would you eat first? It better be the horse. It’s made entirely out of muscle, for God’s sake.
Look, don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to eat a horse either. Invite me over to your house tonight and serve me a big ol’ horse t-bone steak with a side salad drenched in horse vinaigrette and tall glass of horse milk and I’m probably gonna need a little bit of convicing before I’d chow down (That, by the way, was not meant as a thought exercise but rather something that I do want you to do, because I think that you and I should hang out more often). I’m just trying to make you think about why exactly eating Mr. Ed’s flesh is so off-putting when you have no qualms with dining on Clarabelle or Porky. That doesn’t mean I think you shouldn’t eat meat, because meat happens to be awesome. I’m just a little perplexed as to why you’re so selective about what kind of animal you’ll put in your mouth.
And that’s how I learned to not worry and to love the horse. You will too, because it seems like you won’t be given the choice. Horse meat. Not just coming to a dinner table near you. It’s already there.
Bismarck resident Erik Hagen is the author of the SodBlog and really wasn’t all that surprised by any of this, since he used to work at Taco John’s. Send your favorite horse recipes to SodBlog@me.com or visit his website at sodblog.com.
I’m waiting for the announcement that there has been some sort of horse product mixed into the dozens of blocks of tofu I buy each month. Hell, soybeans are cute too.