Quick question. Why are you still sitting there?
I’m serious. Why are you sitting in front of your computer right now, reading this? Don’t you know what tonight is? You don’t, do you? Oh, you poor, misguided fool. You remain blissfully unaware of the very important thing that is happening right now that you are missing out on. Your life could be changing as we speak, but you are not in the know and thus your life will not be changing tonight. This is unfortunate. I feel like your life could use some changing.
Okay, fine. I will tell you what important thing you are missing. Jeff Dunham is performing in Bismarck tonight, March 5, the year of the Lord 2013. YES! I KNOW! JEFF DUNHAM! THIS IS A THING THAT IS HAPPENING!
“Jeff Dunham? Who’s that?” I am pretending that you just asked me that, and then I’m pretending that I have never loved you any more than I do at this very moment. You don’t know who Jeff Dunham is. Why can’t there be more people like you? Because people like you don’t exist. Everybody knows who Jeff Dunham is. Jeff Dunham is that one terrible comedian. The one with the red hair and the props? No, that’s Carrot Top. The one that smashes the watermelons? No, that’s Gallagher. The one with the Tonight Show? No, that’s Jay Leno. The one with the bug-eyed, racist puppets? Yup! That’s the one!
“Hey, Erik, aren’t you being kind of unfair to the terrible comedian and his terrible puppet humor?” I am not pretending you said that last part. You probably did. Yes, reader, I am being unfair to the guy with the puppets who makes millions of dollars every single year. He is very rich, and as such he can handle a little bit of criticism being thrown at him by some nobody in America’s least inhabited state (Suck it, Wyoming). Jeff Dunham is terrible. That is my opinion, and as we all know, my opinions are not wrong. But I’ll prove it to you anyway. Here are the puppets that Jeff Dunham uses in his “act” (again, quotation marks, note them). We will go over all of Jeff Dunham’s puppets to prove that he is a terrible comedian. And, EXHIBIT A, Jeff Dunham is a comedian who uses puppets. That in itself should really be enough to prove my case.
Here’s Bubba J, Jeff Dunham’s idiot redneck puppet. See? It’s a puppet that makes fun of Jeff Dunham’s core audience! He’s an equal opportunity offender! No. That is not proof that Jeff Dunham makes fun of everybody. That thing is an abomination to reality. That thing is the thing I expect will be the last thing I see before I die. He is proof of nothing, other than that Jeff Dunham has a really terrible puppet designer.
Hey, everybody, it’s Jose Jalapeño, the Mexican puppet! Get it? He’s a jalapeño. Mexicans like eating those. But if that’s too subtle for you, he’s also wearing a sombrero. Also, he talks slowly. You know. Because he’s lazy. He’s a lazy talking jalapeño pepper wearing a hat. On a steek.
Here we go, the big guy. The most popular puppet in Jeff Dunham’s house of horrors. Achmed the Dead Terrorist. But wait, you can’t get mad at this one! No sir! See, he’s not Achmed the Dead Muslim Terrorist. He’s just Achmed the Undefined Ethnicity Dead Terrorist. Yep, you’re the racist if you think this is racist, because there is no way to tell what Achmed is supposed to be, with that turban on his skull and the big bushy eyebrows and that beard growing out of his jawbone for some reason. You’re the racist for noticing those things!
He has a catchphrase too. “SILENCE! I KILL YOU!” That’s a thing that terrorists say, I imagine. It’s funny, because he’s a puppet and has no logical ability to kill anyone. I think that’s why that’s funny. I’ll be honest, I have no idea why that’s supposed to be funny.
Oh, dear God in Heaven.
Look, there’s also a cranky old white man puppet and some sort of purple, fuzzy, native-looking puppet with a bone in his hair and big lips, which again, you’re the racist for picking up on that. There’s probably pictures of them too, but I’m not wasting any more bandwidth on this crap. Look at the puppets. Try to be honest with yourself. How are broad, racial stereotypes funny? I’ll tell you how. Because they’re easy. Jeff Dunham is popular because he writes jokes that are easy and then he tells those same jokes in front of audiences around the country who all laugh at them because it’s easy. Jeff Dunham gets to say things that he wouldn’t get away with if he wasn’t saying them with a puppet, and his audience gets to laugh at those same things that, again, they wouldn’t normally be able to laugh at were they not being said by a puppet. The puppet gets to be the scapegoat. It is all very convenient and easy and everyone is happy with the setup and everybody’s just trying to have a good time, you NARC. Why do you hate fun so much?
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t dislike Jeff Dunham because I think his act is racist. No, I dislike Jeff Dunham’s act because I think it’s stupid. That’s what offends me. It’s lazy, stupid humor. And maybe that’s offensive to some of you reading this, and probably would be offensive to Jeff Dunham were he to read it, but maybe not, because it’s just jokes, right? I’m reasonably certain that Jeff Dunham doesn’t feel any shame for any of his jokes, because why would he? Lots of people love it and, besides, he didn’t say any of it. The puppets did.
But don’t let that get in your way. Jeff Dunham! Tonight! Tickets still available! Take the family! Laugh until you feel good!
Bismarck resident Erik Hagen is the author of the SodBlog and kind of let this one turn into one long rant, didn’t he? Ah, well. Send your angry emails to SodBlog@me.com or visit his website at sodblog.com.
Two things came to mind when I read this.
1. The act is actually a backlash against political correctness on steroids. We got to the point where you can’t day “Hello” without offending someone. That’s bullshit. We all need to relax.
2. You’re overthinking his act. What you don’t like is exactly what hundreds of millions do like. It’s simple and it’s fun. It’s intended to entertain and get people to lighten up for a while. It doesn’t need indepth analysis. People just want to relax and laugh. That’s all. You should try it. I’m seeing him live in 2 weeks. Can’t wait. Cheers!
I’m overthinking Jeff Dunham’s act? Seriously? He tells jokes with puppets. How is that overthinkable?
Enjoy the show, seriously. Everybody likes their something. He’s not my cup of tea, but if you enjoy him, more power to you. I just think he’s a ridiculous hack, is all.
Quite a conundrum you got going there Sparky. OK let me get this straight, you don’t like a comedian because he’s a racist who uses puppets to make people laugh. No wait, you don’t dislike him because he’s racist, (either you needed to pad this article or your a liar), your dislike is founded on his stupidity (why did you spend so much time writing about his racism then?).
What a refined sense of humor you have, truly we should pay heed to your ire, and boycott this terribly racist (but only if it makes you dislike him) I meant to write terribly stupid comedian.
I started this reply because your sense of entitled arrogance offended me, but rather than waste time trying to find a way to prick your smug little world view, I’m just going to watch some more Dunhum and Peanut on youtube. Which, I’m pretty sure, is going to be possible long after your pathetic little rants have been deleted without backup, not even important enough for preservation in the Wayback web sites. As Peanut would say, you just didn’t get it.
Sorry if I offended your high-minded sensibilities there, guy who sincerely enjoys puppet humor.
By the way, your concern for me is touching, really, but I make a perfectly decent living, thank you much. And better still, I don’t have to strap a sweat sock to my hand every night to put on a little song and dance show for the rubes to do it. Yay me! Also, I didn’t get cancelled by Comedy Central after, what, five episodes? So I got that going for me.
Anyway, I’m certain that Jeff Dunham enjoys your slavish devotion to him and his terrible ventriloquist skills. Make sure the next time you and he are sitting around at the country club, smoking your stogies and shooting the shit, and you’re relating to him how you really zinged one of those online nerds who just don’t get how hilarious he and his big-lipped, purple stuffed animal are, don’t let all the adulation he will surely lavish upon you go to waste. Take it all in. You’re the wind beneath Jeff Dunham’s wings, Chuckles. Surely he would be nothing without you and your hopeless fanaticism to 2009′s most popular comedian.