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Naming the future king, because somebody ought to

By   /   July 23, 2013  /   1 Comment

IT’S A BOY!

No, I’m not talking about myself (although I am having a boy, sometime in November, thank you for asking). I am, of course, referring to the ROYAL BABY. Because certainly you have heard of the ROYAL BABY by now. It’s on all of the news. It’s the ROYAL BABY, for Pete’s sake. If you don’t know the story, it went something like this. There was this lady, plain as could be, who married herself a prince. Then they had the intercourse, and now they have had a baby. And it is a ROYAL BABY, as was foretold by the prophesy. The ROYAL BABY is here to save our mortal souls. Bow down before the ROYAL BABY, peasants. You are not worthy of his baby gaze.

Or actually, what really happened is that a man and a woman had a baby, but they happened to both be British royalty, and thus this baby that they had is special, because (Insert reason here). And that’s what everyone is so excited about, that this baby happened, because that is something that doesn’t happen all of the time, every hour of every single day, I guess. So we are all talking about the baby, and that it is a boy, and that this baby will be the future King of England, which means absolutely nothing, because England no longer is ruled by kings. They have a parliamentary system. That is how the laws are made in Britain. The royals are just for show, so this is all pretend, basically. But don’t ruin the illusion, because OH MY GOD, IT’S A ROYAL BABY.

Anyway, so now that we have this baby who is royalty, and we know that he is a boy, it is now the time for naming him. Which, of course, is not up to us, but rather to the boy’s parents. Which they will do, in due time, when they are ready. Stop pressuring them. And in the meantime, all of the rest of us chimney sweeps and magical singing nannies are left to guess as to what the baby will be named, and also bet money upon this because that is a good thing for us to spend money on. Since I am also expecting a baby boy, who will not be a ROYAL BABY (I assume), I have already been assembling a list of names myself. So here are some of those names, which I have already rejected for my child but am willing to give to the ROYAL BABY, should the baby’s parents be reading this, which I have to assume they will be. Here is what I’ve come up with.

Harry Potter – British people still like him, right?

One of the kids from One Direction – I don’t know their names. Joey? Donny? Ricky? There’s a Ricky, right? There’s always a Ricky.

Fauntleroy – I just want him to be referred to as the Little Lord Fauntleroy. Wouldn’t that just be adorable? I think it would be.

Hodor – Hodor? Hodor. HODOR.

Mega Millions Genetic Lottery Winner – Well, he is.

Guffman – You get it? Because we’ve been waiting all this time for him? Waiting for Guffman? Do you get it? Please tell me you get it. I’m not sure if I do. I’m still a little confused about the Hodor one.

Sharknado – Because that’s what we were all talking about before the ROYAL BABY arrived. So it seems apt, you know. Also, King Sharknado. Awesome.

Joffrey – Come on! Prince Joffrey! How can we not already be doing this? Why do I even have to be the one to suggest this?

Simba – I have an image in my head of young Prince Simba, standing out in a field, with a large visage of Prince William staring down at him from the sky, his balding head glistening in the sun. “Remember who you are, Simba,” he says, as he disappears from sight. “Father, wait! Don’t go!” young Simba cries. But he does, so Simba goes back to singing and dancing with the warthog and the meerkat. I’m not saying all of that will happen if you name the kid Simba, but it certainly will help.

Sod – Well, I like it. Maybe I’ll just use it.

Okay, so those are my suggestions. Now, as of this writing, there hasn’t been a name announced yet, so when there is and it ends up being one of these names, I rightfully demand to be named a Duke. I haven’t checked the rules, but I believe that is how it works. So check back when they finally do name the kid, because I think I am going to be a very good Duke. I’m every bit as qualified for royalty as this kid is.

Bismarck resident Duke Erik Hagen is the writer of the SodBlog and your future King. Send your royal adulation to sodblog@me.com or visit his website at sodblog.com.

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  • Published: 1 year ago on July 23, 2013
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  • Last Modified: July 23, 2013 @ 10:01 pm
  • Filed Under: SodBlog

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Blogger/Columnist

I came into this world naked, covered in blood and slightly hysterical. Very little has changed since.

1 Comment

  1. snowleopard says:

    I vote for Hodor, Hodor! Hodor!

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