The following is an open letter to the citizens of the nation of Canada. Wait, is Canada a nation? We think they might be. We are not entirely certain.
Anyway, to the whatever of Canada, we the people of the United States of America (We’re that country that’s just to the south of you. Do you see us? We’re waving at you right now. Hi!) wish to make the following request of you. Several years ago, you sent to our welcoming shores a youth by the name of Justin Beiber, with a note attached to his collar asking us if we could please make into a pop music star. We did what you asked of us, and now we regret that we have to ask you to please take him back. We do not want him here anymore, because he is starting to be a bit of a ticking time bomb and we don’t want him anywhere near here when he goes off.
You may or may not have heard of some of the young tyke’s recent antics, such as when he abandoned his pet monkey in Germany and also when he took a piss into a mop bucket while also cursing at a picture of our 42nd President William Jefferson Clinton (while, at the same time, becoming my father-in-law’s new favorite musician). Also, he wears his pants like he does. Have you seen the way his pants are? Look at this picture.
Why does he do that? Does he have a poopy? Is he crowning? Why doesn’t somebody tell him how stupid he looks?
Those were all somewhat of red flags, that a certain someone might be going a little cuckoo for the Coco Puffs. Which is fine. Our pop stars do that sort of thing all the time. Did you see when Britney Spears shaved her head and started beating on cars with an umbrella? That was hilarious. So we’re used to that kind of thing here in America. It happens to all of the kid stars eventually. But things are rapidly escalating here, and we feel now may be the time to get your child ingenue packed back into his little wooden crate and returned to his maple syrup-endrenched home country. Did you hear about this most recent thing? Now he’s sicking his goon squad onto other people. Which is dangerous. We as a nation are not prepared for Justin Beiber and his pack of bodyguards to run wild over an unsuspecting populace. Our national defenses are currently no match for the Beieber and his tiny fists of fury. But what we really are not prepared for is this account of what happened.
“That’s when Wayne heard someone yell, ‘You done [bleep]ed up now.’ Justin jumped out the sunroof of his car and slid down the car like he was in ‘Die Hard’ . . . He dropped his shirt and threw his hat and wanted to throw hands. His people surrounded Wayne, who was getting punched from all angles.”
Please, whatever you do, do not try to imagine this having happened in your head. Because we did earlier, and now our ribs hurt every time we so much as breathe from all the laughing we did. A few of us vomited. Have you ever laughed long enough to literally vomit? It is as unpleasant as it sounds. So please don’t let the image of Justin Beiber screaming “You done [bleep]ed up now” before jumping up out of his sun roof and sliding down a car, prepared to pummel an already-being-pummeled citizen with this white boy rage. It is not something you want go through, believe us.
Also, we didn’t want to mention, but there was also this. This is Justin Beiber covering Lose Yourself by Detroit rapper Eminem at one of his most recent concerts. This is obviously a ridiculous thing that we were forced to witness, as that song is about a musician scrapping his way to the top from the streets, whereas Justin Beiber, as you are aware, was born to a virgin in a manger, before being thrust into superstardom the very next day. It was just kind of stupid for him to do that. Also, please tell him to stop rapping. That should not be a thing that he does.
So that’s the situation. We have had our fill of Justin Beiber and now we are formally requesting that you come take him back. It doesn’t seem like that much to ask. Need we remind you that we are currently humoring Alan Thicke’s kid as a popular singer. Alan Thicke, for God’s sake. That’s got to be worth something. So somebody please warm up the zamboni and we will have him waiting for you on the curb. Maybe he can do the hockey or something. We don’t know or care. He is no longer our problem.
Sincerely,
The United States of America
Bismarck resident Erik Hagen is the author of the SodBlog and MY EMAIL ADDRESS IS SODBLOG@ME.COM, YOU ROTTON CHILDREN WHO WILL BE RUSHING TO DEFEND HIS HONOR. I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOUR DEATH THREATS, BECAUSE I AM AN ADULT AND I AM BIGGER THAN YOU.